Content warning: eating disorders and mental health issues At the end of August in northeastern Tanzania, Maisy Zagar was awakened at midnight to begin the final stage of one of her most significant accomplishments: reaching the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro.
Having managed only one hour of sleep, she placed her headphones in her ears, gathered her belongings, and commenced the ascent.
Several hours later, she stood at the peak.
The achievement would be one that any individual would find deeply fulfilling.
The undertaking would test anyone to the limits of their physical and mental capabilities.
However, Maisy faced an additional challenge: anorexia nervosa, recognized as the deadliest mental illness globally.
She completely neglected caring for herself as she attempted to avoid drowning.
Following a diagnosis of an eating disorder at the age of thirteen, recovery had become a persistent element of her daily existence.
During the previous October’s fresher’s fair, she encountered a booth promoting the expedition: summiting Mount Kilimanjaro in support of Amnesty International, the human rights organization.
After discussing the opportunity with a companion, she registered for the climb.
She had always enjoyed hiking and outdoor activities.
The prospect of a distinctive challenge and a singular opportunity presented itself, leading her to decide to participate.
The initial period appeared promising.
However, her wellbeing soon began to decline.
Managing independent living and preparing her own meals resulted in a return to previous unhealthy patterns.
She describes how food occupied her thoughts constantly.
She would go to bed contemplating the following day’s meals and wake considering that day’s intake, experiencing dread about eating.
She found herself trapped and struggling significantly.
The pressure associated with studying at Oxford frequently intensifies pre-existing mental health conditions, and this proved true for Maisy.
Commencing studies at Oxford precipitated the relapse.
The substantial stress experienced became the sole aspect she felt capable of controlling.
The transition to Oxford was described as an immediate immersion into challenging circumstances, requiring rapid adaptation.
She entirely overlooked her own care while attempting to survive the demands placed upon her.
Following her perseverance through Michaelmas term, those closest to her grew concerned.
In December, she was directed toward a support service to resume treatment.
Her therapist from her home location identified what was transpiring.
She attempted to disregard the situation, believing that acknowledging the problem would transform it into something larger.
With eating disorders, admitting the existence of one can paradoxically lead to worsening behaviours, almost as verification of the condition.
The prospect of climbing Kilimanjaro remained in her thoughts as she accessed support for her eating disorder.
She reflects that at the time, it appeared entirely unachievable.
Her nutritional intake was inadequate, and she lacked the energy for physical activity or proper eating.
Accessing a referral and commencing treatment does not guarantee a direct path to improvement.
Maisy emphasises the non-linear trajectory of eating disorder recovery, noting that her condition actually deteriorated substantially before showing signs of progress.
In February, she reached her lowest point.
She recalls a specific occasion when she collapsed on her bedroom floor and was completely immobilized.
Assistance was required from a companion.
Through considerable difficulty, she underscores the significance of her network of supporters.
Her companions represent exceptional individuals, and their support proved essential.
She was unable to eat independently, and her friends would visit and sit with her, or she would go to their accommodations.
They refrained from asking unnecessary questions and expressed no complaints, simply providing their presence.
The presence of these individuals lightened her burden and reduced her stress levels considerably.
Her closest companion proved exceptionally supportive.
This individual was contacted when she collapsed.
The companion recognized immediately upon receiving the call that something was amiss.
She arrived at the accommodation, positioned her on the bed, and remained present throughout the day.
The shaking persisted, and the companion remained until transportation to medical services was arranged.
Support extended beyond her Oxford circle as well.
In March, Maisy visited an acquaintance in Leeds.
The companion contacted her to inquire about foods she felt comfortable eating, stating that provisions would be arranged immediately upon her arrival, with planning based on her stated preferences.
This arrangement eliminated the associated anxiety and stress entirely.
The presence of supportive individuals simply made circumstances more manageable and reduced the pressure she experienced.
The Preparation Period Training was closely integrated with her recovery process.
The programme consisted predominantly of strength work and weightlifting.
While the regimen proved somewhat monotonous, through the combined experience of training and recovery, the gym transformed into her favourite location worldwide, providing her with a sense of empowerment.
Subsequently, weighted stairmaster sessions were introduced, incorporating a hiking backpack weighing between eight and ten kilograms, lasting between thirty minutes and one hour.
Following this description, she laughed at the reaction.
She acknowledged acting somewhat obsessively during this period.
Mount Toubkal was subsequently ascended, marking her inaugural exposure to high-altitude trekking spanning multiple days.
The experience proved highly positive.
None of the group members were aware of her background.
Bonds formed naturally throughout the expedition, though her eating difficulties remained private.
Upon reaching the summit, she immediately began crying.
This moment held profound significance, as it demonstrated she was no longer the person she had previously been.
That former version remained present but diminished, with additional dimensions now comprising her identity.
She possessed the capacity to manage demanding tasks and remain well.
A Challenge to Overcome Maisy acknowledges that recovery proved extraordinarily demanding, recalling periods of hopelessness and fear that her condition would permanently define her existence.
However, Kilimanjaro provided her with an objective to pursue.
The goal sustained her forward momentum through challenging periods.
The objective centred on standing at the summit with the knowledge of her accomplishment.
She attempts to articulate the experience of reaching the summit.
Throughout the ascent, she experienced intense emotions.
She recollects breaking down in tears, feeling overwhelmed by the realization of her achievement.
The same physical form that six months earlier had been incapable of rising from the floor had accomplished this feat.
The transformation seemed remarkable.
Although the challenge substantially influenced her preparation, Maisy chose not to discuss her eating disorder during the expedition.
She simply wished to complete it without allowing her condition to overshadow her accomplishment.
The climb appeared to grant her access to a previously unexplored dimension of her identity.
Having endured considerable hardship to reach Kilimanjaro, she desired to simply appreciate the experience.
It represented something novel through which she could define herself.
Maisy indicates that her life has undergone fundamental transformation.
For an extended period, her primary aspiration had been to achieve thinness.
Her entire sense of self had become intertwined with being small and weak.
Completing the Kilimanjaro climb demonstrated the significance of physical strength rather than slimness.
She reflects on a moment in May when she became aware that her ribcage was no longer visible.
This proved significant.
The inability to see her ribs was met with satisfaction.
Previously, she had felt profoundly disconnected from herself, resembling merely a shell of a person.
However, she now feels substantially more complete, not solely due to increased physical presence.
She feels as though she has rediscovered her authentic self, accepting that this description may sound somewhat sentimental.
Recent Reflections Should she have the opportunity to revisit her journey, minimal adjustments would be made.
She would simply aim to be less critical of herself.
Greater self-compassion and allowance for imperfection would be prioritised.
She describes how the climb has assisted her in accepting her daily circumstances.
During training, she recognized that recovery does not conclude.
She had anticipated reaching a state of improvement and moving forward, but recovery proves more complex than such expectations suggest.
She discusses newly developed strategies, including a compilation of straightforward meals to prepare, preventing anorexia from dominating her existence.
The condition remains present but operates in the background.
It continues to cause some distress, though when it intensifies, mechanisms exist to suppress its influence.
Discussing such an emotionally charged experience presents considerable difficulty.
Maisy could reasonably have chosen not to disclose her experience and struggles to others.
Instead, she demonstrates remarkable resilience in sharing her narrative and attempting to assist others encountering similar circumstances.
When considering her state during February, she experienced profound hopelessness, believing nothing would improve and that this would constitute her permanent existence.
No solution appeared visible.
Had one individual facing comparable circumstances encountered this account and concluded that perhaps conclusion was not inevitable, that outcome would fulfill her objective.
Her aspiration is to honour the version of herself from six months prior, who remained incapable of rising from the floor.
Eating disorders represent the most fatal mental illnesses globally.
Twenty percent of individuals affected by anorexia nervosa will die within twenty years of onset.
Maisy wishes for greater public comprehension regarding the psychological struggles accompanying eating disorders, particularly the emphasis on control, rather than the simplistic interpretation of merely refusing food.
Eating disorders become profoundly unmanageable.
She experienced overwhelming distress, desiring nothing more than a healthy connection with food.
However, recovery extends far beyond simple consumption, carrying substantial psychological weight.
The experience proves suffocating and all-encompassing.
Should she have the opportunity to address herself during December, she would encourage perseverance and a focus on taking each day as it comes.
The recovery process proved non-linear, presenting substantial difficulties.
The journey would require time and prove challenging.
However, passage through it remains possible.